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Dear Joey, I Will Destroy You

Species: Feline
Sex: Female
Breed: Black (I tried to look this up, but since all these cats look basically the same, minus Siamese, the naked one, and the one with the cute mushed up face, they all would have looked like my cat if they were black. Therefore, I have created my own breed.)
Color: Refer to Breed
Hair: Long and fluffy beyond reason
Age: 4 years
Weight: Desires to be very fat
Estimated Time of Survival in Wilderness: 1.5 minutes – death by starvation and lack of snuggles
Remaining Lives: No more than 7, but possibly less
Alias: Joey (named after a baby kangaroo)

Dear Joey,

What the hell? It’s more than two hours before we feed you and you are begging like you haven’t eaten in a week. See that bowl of hard cat food? That’s right. It’s food too. For cats. I’m certainly not going to eat it. If you are so starving, eat that. I will give you mush food when it’s time. And you will love it. And eat it all in about 15 seconds. Then promptly puke all over the carpet. Right next to the tile. Come on, cat! Give me a break.

What are you doing? Stop eating the plant! I told you no! The plant isn’t even real! It can’t taste good! You know that leaf isn’t going to grow back. It has permanent nibble marks all over it. That part isn’t going to fall off and die. It’s there forever. You’re killing the fake plant!

Don’t lay there staring at me. Stop rolling around doing tricks. Why are you laying on your back with your little paws curled under? You want me to rub your belly? Sure, I’ll pet you and give you some atten…SON OF A ______!! Talk about temperamental. That’s it. I’m really not feeding you until it’s time. This has only wasted 4 minutes. You still have 1 hour and 56 minutes before dinner.

Aww, you look so cute sleeping on the floor next to me. I think I’m thirsty. I’m going to get a drink…what the?! No, I’m not getting up to feed you! There are other things in the fridge besides mush! I swear. Why do you always look at me like I’m lying? Let me just…why?! You’re mad at me for stepping on your tail? You literally just crawled under my foot mid-step. Did you think I wasn’t going to put my foot down? You can’t blame me for that.

You know, if I fed you every time you did this, you would be 1000 pounds. Then you’d be an unhappy cat, wouldn’t you? Oh, fine. It’s close enough. Kitty kitty kitty. Here you go.

[4 minutes later]

Oh my god. I will destroy you.

Love,

Pam

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